A Case of Not Being Able to Have Everything
by Isee
Summary: Riza wonders how her life could have been different, slight Royai.


_I usually update multiple-chapter fics on Saturday, but I'm quite proud of this one-shot. It's a long-ass story, but that's the way it flows. I wrote this in two sittings, so you should be able to read it in one. Some spoilers, but mostly in the footnotes. I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist._

**A Case of Not Being Able to Have Everything**

Riza Chesterfield lived in Eastern City with her husband and three children. She and her husband had been married for seven years, and their newest addition to the family was a tiny newborn named Brian. The remainder of the family consisted of two golden-haired daughters, aged six and three.

Riza was a housewife. She took care of the house and garden and her (now three) children. She did all of the washing and cleaning and cooking, not because her husband wasn't willing to help, but because she had to have everything just so. Still, though she couldn't abide her husband's rather lackadaisical (according to her) method of cleaning, she had recently started to train her older daughter, Marie, in how to properly tidy up. However, Marie was followed everywhere by her younger sister Tammy, and Tammy insisted that she could do whatever her older sister could do, and that led to a bit of a mess.

"Oh, well," thought Riza once when Tammy managed to get more dust on her clothes and in her hair than the dustpan after attempting to sweep under the table. Then she had smiled and given Tammy a bath.

Though it is important to know the above, for context if for nothing else, the story really begins with the announcement that the Fuhrer was to visit Eastern City.

There was nothing unusual in the Fuhrer visiting Eastern. In fact, it was unusual that he had not come to visit sooner, whether for official business or because he was, after all, from the eastern part of Amestris. But perhaps it wasn't so unusual after all, what with becoming Fuhrer and all the mess that had come with that. Now things were peaceful, so the president could afford a nice visit.

What many people didn't know was that this was not just the Fuhrer's first visit since he had become Fuhrer, but his first visit to Eastern since he had been transferred as a Colonel to Central nearly seven years ago.

Riza Chesterfield knew. She had received a telegram the day Colonel Roy Mustang and his four subordinates had left for Central. It had both gladdened and saddened her. Gladdened because she knew they were closer to their goal. Saddened because "they" no longer included her.

Riza Chesterfield remembered that day. She remembered that even though she had left the military over three years ago, even though she had recently gotten married, even though she had just found out she was pregnant, she had felt an enormous sense of loss. She had sat by the window in the living room that was shaded by the willow tree and not even her husband's good lemon tea (1) could comfort her. Nor could his easy, quiet presence induce her to talk, to ease her pain. Perhaps it was because she couldn't find a way to define her pain, it seemed so intangible yet omnipresent, or perhaps it was simply one of those things that belonged to her alone. Since that day, Riza knew, neither Roy Mustang nor any one of his subordinates had set foot inside Eastern City (2).

So now he was coming, and again, Riza didn't know how to define how she felt, or why she should feel anything at all. She functioned well enough. She made breakfast and smiled and kissed her husband good-bye when he left for work, and sent Marie off to school, and comforted Tammy and explained why she couldn't go too, and nursed Brian when he awoke and cried. However, throughout the day there was a memory tugging at her mind.

In that memory she was sitting outside on a porch at night while a bright and lively party went on inside the residence. Next to her sat her old friend and future husband, with his easy, quiet way and she felt like she could tell him anything, or everything, and he wouldn't think the less of her for it.

"I used to be in the military," she had said, face a bit fierce, voice a bit proud, tone a bit regretful. Then she stopped, suddenly, unsure of what to say next, and realizing for the first time everything she had renounced (the stiff blue uniform, the protocol of life, the comradery, the feeling of doing something, the Colonel. . .)

"Yes, I know. You fought in the Ishvar War, didn't you?"

And Riza had come back, and nodded, and realized that it had been a long time ago since they had talked, and that they had both changed and would have to grow to know each other again, and even then there would be spaces. They never spoke of Riza's life in the military again.

Or why she had left. Well, that was a long time ago, and things had worked out without her. They hadn't needed her. It was unlikely she would have been of use anyway, especially during the times when it seemed that for every two steps in the right direction, they took three steps back (retreat, mistake, unforeseen conclusions), or those times when it had seemed like they were going nowhere at all. At those times she had gotten through her job mechanically, and felt like a broken record trying to get her superior to do his paperwork just to maintain his position, while he was off in his own world thinking of who knows what plans (like the time they had gone all the way to Liesenburgh to find an alchemist who turned out to only be a boy though the Colonel said his eyes were lit with determination) and writing in his little black book, oblivious to the world. On those days she had stood up straighter, but pulled her gun out slower (as if coming out of a haze) and the laughter of her colleagues sounded hollow. It had driven her half-mad.

Ironically, the things that had driven her crazy at the time were the things that she missed the most. Even the shenanigans of the other officers, the mark of being one of the only female field officers with any rank at all, her superior's cocky arrogance and the intensity with which he pursued his goal, so much that it sometimes blind-sided him. Yet at the same time he seemed to have an eye and ear on everything. He was a man of contradictions who could rush into battle without a thought yet execute incredibly subtle plans and who could heartlessly, shamelessly exploit people and situations yet let his compassion and concern for others slow him down.

It was what her grandfather had liked best about him, yet he had also been worried about his future (3). He had been concerned for her future as well. If he wanted Riza out of the military and married, well, he should be happy: she was out of the military and married.

Fuhrer Roy Mustang gave a public speech at Eastern City's Military Headquarters the day he arrived. Riza didn't attend. She didn't even listen to it on the radio. She didn't need to hear his speech about his agenda or the future of Eastern City. She knew his agenda –maybe not the exact details – but she had always known. The speech was made much of – talked about, analyzed, condemned, praised, and quoted (the Colonel always did have a way with words). Riza encountered such talk when at the market and when picking up Marie from school, and even at home when her husband listened to a replay of the speech on the radio. He never mentioned anything to her, although he knew she had once served under him.

The Fuhrer attended several more officious events, some of which included Riza's grandfather. He called her one night to check up on his new grandson and mentioned that the Fuhrer would be leaving the next day. Just like that, the visit was over.

Riza went out to do the laundry while her husband looked after the kids, it being his day off. Riza could see the origins of a mess as her husband sat at the dining table, Brian in a cradle set on the surface, giving in to his daughters' demands for graham crackers and his attention. She smiled to herself and slipped out for a few moments of peace and contemplation.

Already the sun was low in the sky. Deep shadows were cast across the lawn of the backyard. At the side of the house, where Riza was hanging the sheets on the line, the trees almost completely blocked the light. The area was gloomy. Riza frowned, a place in the sun would really be a better place for a laundry line. Perhaps she could get her husband to set up the poles in the backyard proper. As she was contemplating this she noticed a military man walking down the street with a black and white dog tagging along behind him. This was not unusual; her house wasn't that far from military headquarters after all. Then Riza noticed that the soldier's pace was slowing, and that he seemed to be glancing at the address numbers painted on the mailboxes.

Riza stepped out into the front yard, then stepped out onto the sidewalk when the man's head was turned to scrutinize another mailbox. He turned to face forward and saw her. Riza snapped her heels together and gave a salute. "Sir," she said.

It had been a joke, of sorts, to break the tension. But it felt so natural to slip back into the world she had left so long ago.

The man paused for a moment, as if unsure of what he was seeing before him. For a moment Riza thought about her messy long hair and the apron she was wearing and the pregnancy weight she had not yet lost. Then he smiled and walked towards her.

"2nd Lieutenant Hawkeye," he said.

Riza gave a small grin and answered, "Lieutenant Colonel Mustang."

Roy smirked and retorted, "I'm not a Lieutenant Colonel anymore."

"And I'm not 2nd Lieutenant Hawkeye anymore."

"No, you aren't," he said softly as he came to a stop a few feet in front of her. There was an awkward pause.

"Mommy!" Marie called as she came running from around the back, Tammy chasing after her.

For a split second Riza resented her children, intruding on something that was meant to be private – but then it was gone and she kneeled down to encircle her daughters within her arms, burying her face in their long blond strands.

"Mommy! Look what I made!" Marie said, pressing something dark and sticky into her hands. Food again? Her husband liked to putter around in the kitchen and could make deserts, though nothing nutritious. Tammy silently handed Riza her own rendition of a raisin man, made of toothpicks, raisins, and a prune for the head. Riza chuckled and exclaimed, "How clever!" while she wiped a few crumbs off of Tammy's face. She looked at her daughters again, really looked at them, and then stood up.

"Fuhrer Mustang, these are my daughters, Marie and Tammy. Say hello girls."

Marie scrutinized the uniformed, dark-haired man before her then gave a sharp salute, as she had seen other soldiers do.

"Hello, sir!" she grinned.

Tammy, suddenly shy, murmured a hello clutching her mother's skirt. Riza smiled and stroked her daughter's hair.

"You have two beautiful daughters, Mrs. Chesterfield."

"Thank you, sir," Riza looked up, "Are you sure you should be wandering around unescorted, Fuhrer?"

Roy gave a smirk that didn't quite work. "I can take care of myself."

He suddenly kneeled.

"And how old are you, Miss Marie?"

Marie held her chin up high, though it was no longer necessary to do so, and announced proudly, "Six."

Roy smirked for real now, and turned his charming, manipulative face toward Tammy.

"And you, Miss Tammy?"

Tammy buried her face in her mother's skirt.

"Tammy," Riza admonished gently.

Tammy peeked out from the skirt. "Three," she answered.

Roy smiled and stood up, facing Riza.

"Hughes' daughter is about ten right now, as he constantly reminds me (4)."

Riza smiled. "Does he still tie up the phone line?"

"No, unfortunately since we're both in Central he can nag me in person."

They smiled together then, and came to the silent agreement that they didn't like the implications of where the conversation was going and cast about looking for a new one.

Tammy had been drawn away from Riza's skirt and now joined Marie in petting the black and white dog.

"What a cute dog," Riza commented, "What's his name?"

"Black Hayate (5)."

Riza smiled at Roy, then went forward to pet the dog.

"Fury found him one day, out in the rain," Roy continued, "But he couldn't keep him since he lives in the dorms."

"In Central?"

"No, he was found back when we were in Eastern. Actually Fury has his own apartment now."

"Oh," was all Riza could think of to say. She continued petting Black Hayate. He nosed her hand and licked it.

"Riza!" the call came over the sound of a wailing baby. Her husband appeared from around the house, carrying said wailing baby.

"I'm sorry," he said, attempting to jiggle Brian back into complacency, "I don't know what's wrong with him." He handed the baby to Riza, "Sometimes, I guess, a baby just needs his mother."

Riza cradled her son in the crook of her arm and brushed her thumb across his cheek. The baby continued fussing for awhile, then quieted, then gurgled happily. Roy and her husband stared amazed at this transformation.

"Oh! Fuhrer Mustang!" her husband exclaimed, finally noticing the uniformed man before him.

"Mr. Chesterfield."

Silence.

"Daddy! The dog ate my raisin man!" Marie shrieked, running up to her father.

"Oh! I'm sorry," Roy said, appalled, until he looked down at Black Hayate, who was having another raisin man poked into his muzzle by Tammy.

"Don't worry about it."

"Can I make another one?"

"Tammy, stop that!"

"Sure sweetheart!"

And with that, her husband carried Marie back to the house, Tammy dutifully following after her older sister.

Roy and Riza looked down at Black Hayate, who was trying to eat the remaining raisin man without swallowing the toothpicks.

"Umm, I heard that you're leaving today."

The sun was starting to set; it cast a red glaze on the street.

"Yes. Back to Central. Still lots to do."

"Yes," said Riza. She looked down at Brian, now dozing peacefully, tiny hand clasped around her finger.

"Well," Roy said, taking a step towards her, "Good-bye."

"Good-bye."

Roy studied her face, as if it would be very important to remember how she looked at that moment for future reference.

"It was nice seeing you again . . . Riza."

"It was nice seeing you again too, Roy." She gave him a smile.

With that, he nodded, snapped his fingers to get Black Hayate's attention, and walked back up the street from which he came, silhouette reaching far behind him in the light of the setting sun.

Riza went back into the house, placed Brian in his cradle, and warned her husband not to spoil the girls' appetite for dinner. Then she went outside to finish hanging up the rest of the sheets.

She loved her life, she really did. Most days she wouldn't trade it for anything. But sometimes she wondered what it would have been like if she hadn't resigned from the military. What if she had stayed and helped the Colonel achieve his goal? What would her life have been like then? But it just wouldn't have been possible to stay with the Colonel and have a life of her own, a home that was more than a camping ground, and a family. Still, it would have been something to have been by his side, to be by his side, as he led Amestris out of the corruption and dark secret that it had tried to keep. Riza sighed and put another clothespin in her mouth before picking up another sheet. It was just a case of not being able to have everything.

* * *

(1) Fury said somewhere that Hawkeye could make good lemon tea. For the sake of my story, I'm saying she learned how to do this from her ex-boyfriend. This is just to show that this is not some random guy she married, but someone who she has a history with.

(2) In this AU, Havoc wasn't injured or discharged, for various reasons, and so never went back home to the East. It makes sense if you think about it since without Riza it's unlikely Roy would have teamed up with Barry. Even if they had, without Hawkeye in the bell tower getting attacked by Gluttony, Roy wouldn't have joined the group or given the order to go into the 3rd Laboratory. In any case, without Riza things could have played out very differently, though not necessarily better or easier. (I wonder how Roy survived Scar, perhaps he didn't go after the Elric brothers/the Elrics didn't find out about Nina so they didn't wander around being all depressed). Let's just say Breda got Maria Ross to Xing without going through Eastern City, if that even happened.

(3) Lieutenant General Grumman, Riza's grandfather, obviously likes Roy and thinks he'll go far. However, the comment about Roy marrying his granddaughter implies he doesn't think Riza should be in the military (it would be impossible to marry with rank and all). I tried to imply (subtly) that one of the reasons Riza left was because Roy was too concerned about her. In my story, the grandfather sees this too and uses it as another excuse to maneuver Riza out of the military. (And of course he's afraid for her life and all. Sexist man, she's been through Ishvar for Pete's sake! Oh well, overprotective grandfatherly love.)

(4) There's no good reason why Hughes should still be alive, other than the fact that his death would add another dimension I don't want to this story. Hey, what's wrong with Hughes being alive anyway? Obviously, because of his continued existence, the conversation Roy had with Riza when he asked if she would follow him never happened. She had already left the military by that time anyway. Also, Elysia was three around the time Roy got transferred to Central, and Riza got married/got pregnant. So Marie would be four years younger.

(5) Yes, it's Black Hayate. Fury didn't really have a choice without Riza around. At least Roy didn't threaten to eat him like Havoc did. There's not really a reason for him to still have the name Black Hayate though. Unless Riza named Black Hayate that for a reason that Roy knew about, and Roy was thinking about Riza when he named his dog in this story.

_Yeah it's AU. I wanted it to be a surprise. Thank you continuing after the first sentence. Any comments on the footnotes (which refused to put in brackets, by the way)? Does it interrupt the flow of the story? Was it annoying having to scroll down? Did you just ignore them?_

_I know Riza never said that she was in love with the Colonel or that she wanted to marry him, but she's in denial. She's trying to cover up her feelings with devotion to the cause and stuff, just like she does in the canon manga._

_Why is it Riza and Roy never end up together in my serious fics? Oh well. Next week: humorous Roy/Riza that actually has a chance at a happy ending!_


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